Jokes Page

[Jeepnharleymomma]

Let's start a new section in here for jokes.....please try to keep them tasteful as it is a family forum.

I received this in an email from Tatto today and liked it....

 Three Men

Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an  American Biker are all walking together one day.
 They come  across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.. 

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '  POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada  was forever fertile for farming.

  The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,  Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable. ' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,  'Fill it with water.'

[(Tattoo) Jack]

My wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?!!

   

[Rick_Bear]

Jenn,
I LOVE IT............

[Jeepnharleymomma]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked jeep, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..." The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "I dont know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[hillbilly]

a man is pulled over by the local law for a random check. when asked if he had any weapons the man replied " yes i have a 357 i carry" the officer says okay are there any others, and the man replies " yes again i have a 38 snubnose in the glovebox a 9 shot semi auto benelli in the trunk with a semi auto 90 round drum ak-47" , the officer asked "what are you afraid of ?" and the man replies " not a dang thing".

[(Tattoo) Jack]

   
  A man was going through a Mid-life crisis so he went out and bought a really fast sports car. That night, while he was out driving, he decided to test it out and see just how fast it was. So he headed out onto the interstate and started to open it up. That car was just purring along at 115 mph, he had the top down, wind blowing through his hair, Life Was GOOD! Until, that is, he looked in the mirror and saw a cop hot on his tail. He thought “he’ll never keep up with this…” so he floored it and pulled away like he was shot out of a gun. In a matter of mere seconds he was up to 150 MPH plus, but then he thought “What am I doing? This is crazy, I’ll end up in Jail!” so he let off the gas, slowed down and pulled over. Soon after the Cop pulled up behind him. As the Police Officer got out of his cruiser, he thought to himself “ I’m tired, it been a looong day and I just want to go home.” When he walked up the driver he said “Sir, I’ve been a Police Officer for over 20 years and I’ve heard all kinds of excuses, BUT if you can give me one that I’ve NEVER heard before I might go easy on you”. The man thought for a second and said…” Well Officer, I’ve been married for over 25 years and just last week my Wife up and left me, ran off with a Policeman and, for a moment, I thought he was trying to give her back”! The Cop just stared at the man for a minute and said “have a good night…” and walked away. 

[Rick_Bear]

Good one Jack...I like it!

[Jeepnharleymomma]

    Psychology 101

    If you start with a  cage containing five monkeys and inside the
    cage, hang a  banana on a string from the top and then you place a set
    of  stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the  stairs
    and climb toward the banana.

    As soon as he  touches the stairs, you spray all the other
    monkeys with  cold water.

    After a while another monkey makes an  attempt with same result ...
    all the other monkeys are  sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when
    another monkey  tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try
    to  prevent it.

    Now, put the cold water away.

    Remove  one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new  one.

    The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to  climb the stairs.

    To his shock, all of the other  monkeys beat the crap out of him. After
    another attempt and  attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
    stairs he  will be assaulted.

    Next, remove another of the original  five monkeys, replacing it
    with a new one.

    The  newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The  previous
    newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with  enthusiasm.

    Then, replace a third original monkey with  a new one, followed by
    the fourth, then the fifth. Every  time the newest monkey takes to the
    stairs he is  attacked.

    Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have  no idea why they
    were not permitted to climb the  stairs.

    Neither do they know why they are participating  in the beating of
    the newest monkey.

    Finally, having  replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
    remaining  monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold  water.

    Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to  climb the
    stairway for the banana.

    Why, you ask?  Because in their minds...that is the way it has always  been!

    And this, my friends, is how Congress operates...  and this is why,
    from time to time:

    ALL of the  monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME  TIME.

[(Tattoo) Jack]

    Maybe we should take just the opposite approach, we should spray everbody in Congress with cold water until they do something   

[(Tattoo) Jack]

Dog with Chinese Name
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales
pitch below.





Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.
 

[Jeepnharleymomma]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fricking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fricking BADGE!!"

[(Tattoo) Jack]

Top 10 reasons Why Men Prefer Guns over Women...


#10 - You can trade an old 44 in for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....




#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

                 


 
 
 
 

[(Tattoo) Jack]

 
       Well... it's kinda like a Joke, but it's in video form and IT IS funny...    unless ur old


                      youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

[Jeremy]

http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2009/11/04/stuff-you-know-if-you-have-an-ak-ar-mosin-nagant/?fb_action_ids=10151753011944237&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=timeline_og&action_object_map={%2210151753011944237%22%3A448875018979}&action_type_map={%2210151753011944237%22%3A%22og.recommends%22}&action_ref_map=[]

[Jeepnharleymomma]